how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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