I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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