; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
