"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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