Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
