So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
