i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
