I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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