About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
