If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
