Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
