I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
