that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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