A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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