Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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