Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
