i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
