dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize