I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize