Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
