And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
