Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We were destined to go to rehab together
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
