honey bunches of taint.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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