Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
