guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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