Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
