mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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