Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
