Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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