This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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