Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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