Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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