At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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