Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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