Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
