Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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