She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
