She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's shark week go big or go home
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
