I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
