I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
