It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
