Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
