I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize