Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is it penis luge time yet?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
