just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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