Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I met the friendliest cop last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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