I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What a dumb baby whore.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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