ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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