He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
