My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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