he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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