someone threw a dead crab at me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize