So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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