Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Even my vagina gasped.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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