I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
