I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
