I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
