just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
