Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
