I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
