Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
