just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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