I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
