We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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