She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
