When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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