I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
