so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
