Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
MIDGETS
????
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
